One of the great ironies about racist pieces of shit is that they *can’t* secede.

Oh, they can try. Boy, can they try.

Sometimes under force of arms, sometimes by ballot measures that don’t stand a chance in hell of passing, sometimes by fencing in their compounds so they can huddle in fear and brag about how brave they are, sometimes by idle remarks that this heah Republic of Texas don’t need any of you yankee shitheads nohow.

But let us assume that the formation of the Confederacy had been a highly civilized affair, agreed to by all parties. Let us assume that a country was formed, RacistFuckerLand, and that all constituencies who wanted to get the bejeezus out of there got the bejeezus out of there, and an arrangement was made that even those held in slavery could depart, let’s say because the Northern States were so eager for the divorce that they wrote everybody holding human property a check sufficient to compensate them for no longer having chained people to whip. We can posit these circumstances then or we can update them to current geopolitik, by saying, theoretically, fine, you racist shitheads, you can have your own country occupying half of Idaho and maybe one third of Montana.

Either way, whether you set this thought experiment in 1860 or 2017, the deal is made after intense diplomatic negotiation. Because we are the gods of this hypothetical, we can even say that the transition goes much smoother than the partitioning of any two countries ever does; everybody affected by racism moves out, everybody who wants to live in a racist paradise moves in. RacistFuckerLand even gets to surround itself with a wall, and just to make it delicious, New Mexico pays for it.

So what you have then is a homeland they think of as utopic and we think of as dystopic, where everybody is the kind of person they approve of, and after the parades are over and the citizenry stops firing guns in the air while yelling “yeehaw,” what happens?

Holy crap. Now that they’re homogenous, they have nobody to exploit, nobody to look down on, nobody to steal shit from, nobody to terrorize at whim.

That’s even more intolerable!

Racist pieces of shit need something to be racist pieces of shit *at*.

And so what happens, after less time than you can possibly imagine, is that RacistFuckerLand starts subdividing. Before long, the slightly-less pasty are being hauled off into ghettos. There are violent protests that Particularly Freckly Ofay Lives matter and laws that somebody with sandy hair can’t marry somebody with straw-colored hair. Their streets begin to look like the aftermath of a raging chainsaw tossed into a terrarium filled with weasels.

It doesn’t calm down until their legislature agrees to the secession of EvenMoreRacistFuckerLand and then, not many iterations after that, to the postage-stamp kingdom known as ReallyThisTimeForSureTheMostRacistFuckerLand, with a population of one, otherwise known as Ted.

This is the racist’s true nightmare.

They can’t ever reach the finish line they want. Because the need to oppress is so thoroughly baked into their DNA that if the folks they hate ever went away, they would start writhing with withdrawal symptoms.

Tags: Assholes, Donald Trump, Politics, Race | Category Commentary, Humor, Politics