You’re an asshole.
Oh, yes, I know that you object to that label. But I have talked about this before, always beside the observation that we are all Venn Diagrams: that, however commendable you may be 95% of the time, you do have periods of thirty seconds or five minutes or two hours or even entire weeks at a time when whatever element of your personality most merits that label has pushed aside all other ameliorating forces and entered full ascendance.
There have been times when it was perfectly reasonable for anybody in range of your behavior to look at you and explode, “Jesus, what an asshole!”
Maybe even now, as you read this. (Depends what you write in the comments.)
The percentage of time you spend being an asshole is the true test of character. Maybe you’re only an asshole 1% of the time, in which case, honestly, you’re closer to being a saint. Maybe you’re an asshole 90% of the time, in which case Jesus, you’re an asshole. Or maybe it’s closer to 99% of the time, in which case, Jesus, you’re a fucking asshole.
Almost nobody achieves 0%, which is why you can’t get through a biography of Gandhi without wincing at least part of the time. Also, almost nobody achieves 100%, not even Hitler, who was nice to his secretary. I can happily name one thing done by that fervent asshole, movie actor Rob Schneider, that I considered an act of true class.
The key is that every taste you have of an unknown human being’s behavior might be representative and it might be unrepresentative, and so that first glimpse you get of him, for instance, screaming at the diner waitress might or might not be the best measuring stick of character; sure, that particular thing might be an asshole thing to do, but maybe some other asshole just did something assholish to him, and as we all know, among human beings, the urge to act like an asshole gets passed on down the line.
I’m an asshole. You’re an asshole. That guy over there is an asshole. These are all givens. Live with it.
Except note one thing.
These days, when you do act like an asshole….
…the followers of Donald Trump really should accuse you of cultural appropriation.
Comment By: Peter
May 30th, 2017 at 9:37 am
I have to ask: what is the one “act of true class” that you attribute to Rob Schneider?
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
May 30th, 2017 at 9:56 am
After Roger Ebert savaged him in print, and later suffered horrific medical woes you likely knew about, Schneider sent him a staggeringly graceful long letter wishing him the best. He didn’t have to do that.
Comment By: Peter
May 30th, 2017 at 10:18 am
Fair call. Plenty of people wouldn’t have.
Comment By: Bill Householder
May 30th, 2017 at 10:22 am
My theory has always been that you are somebody’s asshole, figuratively not physically, that you’ve done something to someone else for which they now think you’re an asshole. This usually occurs while driving.
Comment By: Barb Padgett
May 30th, 2017 at 11:17 am
I’m gonna have to quote that one.