Adam-Troy Castro

Writer of Science Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Stories About Yams.

 

Why SPECTRE’s Blofeld Blows Chunks

Posted on November 25th, 2015 by Adam-Troy Castro

Okay, a couple of friends have had this plot point spoiled for them already, and I have wanted to rant about it for a while, so here I go, spoiling:

SPECTRE.

Yes, the deal is that it tells us that James Bond’s historical arch-enemy Ernst Stavro Blofeld, reintroduced in this film, is actually Bond’s jealous step-brother, his Loki.

But it’s stupider than THAT.

Hear this:

After the death of Bond’s parents in a car crash, the family gardener became his guardian, with what we assume was a healthy trust fund to pay all expenses. Only the gardener’s son hated Bond and hated that his father was now paying so much attention to this other kid.

So: within a couple of years, he arranged another accident that killed his dad and faked his own death.

And by the time Bond had reached adulthood, the son of the gardener, motivated ONLY by hatred for Bond, had created a vast international network of crime and terrorism.

Talk about over-reaction!

More: up to this point,  Bond has only detected SPECTRE via encounters with its smaller enterprises, including all the plots the Daniel Craig Bond has stopped in the prior three movies.

This includes Le Chiffre, desperately trying to fix a poker game so he could pay off African terrorists he’s been embezzling from, in CASINO ROYALE. Somehow, that guy was all a setup and on SPECTRE’s payroll. Makes no sense, but okay.

This includes the evil organization Quantum, from the second movie, which really one of SPECTRE’s subsidiaries. This even includes the bad guy from SKYFALL, who seemed to have his own perfectly understandable motivation without being paid by others, but what the fuck do I know.

This is all so that Christoph Waltz can tell Bond that he is the author of all his pain, and also so he can lean in and say, “By the way, I’ve changed my name to Ernst Stavro Blofeld.”

A revelation that works about as well as Benedict Cumberbatch swallowing the announcement that, by the way, he’s Khan, which those moviemakers and these moviemakers seemed to believe would get a shocked gasp, even though it’s wholly unprepared for in the script, wholly without weight in context, and — not incidentally — entirely dependent on the audience having obsessive knowledge of movies decades old that did it better.

“I’m — Khan!” Okay. Yawn.

“I’m…Ernst Stavro Blofeld!” Okay. Yawn.

Unless you live and breathe this stuff, it has as much weight as, “I’m Milton Feinbaum!” Who?

SPECTRE has many problems, including some that would be fatal all by themselves, but it has set itself up to depend entirely on the conceit that a gardener’s son conquered the world of evil just because he didn’t like sharing bunk beds with little Jimmy.

And that….diminishes the shit out of Blofeld, really.

Look. The movie Blofeld was never the book Blofeld. I am talking about the movie Blofeld. The original movie Blofeld was an unseen presence with a vaguely German accent who gave monstrous orders while petting a long-haired white cat, setting the plots of a number of the early Connery movies in motion. When in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE, he turned around and revealed himself to be Donald Pleasance, identifying himself as Ernst Stavro Blofeld, it was one of the great delayed villain entrances in movie history — more so because it took a number of movies to get there. We never needed to know how he forged his vast criminal empire. It was an origin. It didn’t matter.  When he killed Bond’s new bride on their wedding day, in the subsequent ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE, it was the greatest shock moment in the franchise’s history. Why did he do it? Because Bond had foiled his plans. That’s enough.

This bullshit…just makes him a whiny brat.

WALKING DEAD Fans: Grow Up

Posted on November 24th, 2015 by Adam-Troy Castro

WALKING DEAD fans: if you’re among the folks who think so-and-so’s survival is “a total cheat,” grow up.

Listen: characters in action-oriented fiction, which this particular show is, survive building collapses, ground-zero explosions, falls from great heights into water, and rollover car crashes, all the time; they do so because part of the power of such fiction is the hair’s-breadth escape from certain doom. It happens all the time. It is much of what powers WALKING DEAD, even if you have also been acculturated with that show arranging for major characters, sometimes even leading characters, to die tragically at any moment.

The fact that the show regularly horrifies you with the latter does not mean it cannot occasionally give you an upper with the former.

In the case of this particular sub-plot, the show played SO fair that many many viewers figured out one possible way for the character to have survived his seeming inevitable doom within hours of the scene where he seemed to perish. They gave you the visual clues. They offered you hope. They refused to pay off that hope by either fulfilling it or dashing it. And then they let you stew for weeks.

If your response is that they let you worry about poor so-and-so for weeks on end and that it all turned out to have been for nothing, then congratulations: you’ve just experienced one of the effects of being hooked on a story.

Whether you think the show is a piece of crap or a total masterpiece, getting you to worry, sometimes pointlessly, is within its job description. Getting you to mourn a character prematurely is within its job description. Lying to you, and getting you to like it, is within its job description.

You’ve been played like a violin.

Congratulations.

That’s the desired result.

The Question We Have Forgotten How To Ask

Posted on November 24th, 2015 by Adam-Troy Castro

Originally published on Facebook on 24 November 2014, and very appropriate for the political silly season.

One key question we appear to have forgotten is, “Such as?”

It isn’t always that question; sometimes, the statement leading up to it will require a different phrasing for clarity. But it’s always an important question.

For instance: the fat-cat Congressman who says, “We’ll protect the environment, without going to extremes.”

You ask him, “Okay. So how have you done so?”

“What?”

“You say that you’re interested in protecting the environment, as long as it’s not going to extremes. What actions have you taken in Congress to protect the environment?”

“Well, I voted for {name of bill}.”

“In fact, you were the key voice watering down that bill, which now effectively increases drilling rights on public lands. Before that you fought that bill with every fiber of your being, finally signed it as a political compromise only when you were given vast pork as a concession, and have since fought like a dog to repeal it. So, if there are actions short of what you call extremism that you would take in favor of the environment, without fighting them tooth and nail, name some. What specific actions have you initiated, yourself, to protect the environment? Name one. Just one.”

“Jobs–”

“Not the question I’m asking. Name one.”

{Crickets}.

Donald Trump: “I’ve always been a great friend to the Blacks.”

You ask him: “How?”

“What?”

“What have you done, aside from hire a few, to help the Blacks?”

“I created jobs!”

“Jobs were race-neutral. They also benefited you. They were not actions specifically taken by you, to help Black people. One can argue that you’re a job creator, but the specific claim coming from that that you’re a great friend of the Blacks, period, appears to have have no actual meat to it. Have you endowed scholarships? Given to black charities? Done anything, in fact, but question the citizenship of the only Black President?”

{Crickets.}

How’s this one? “I live according to the precepts of Jesus Christ.”

“Which ones?”

“I fight gay marriage!”

“He never had a thing to say about that. What else?”

“I give to the church!”

“The church post-dated him. What specific words said by Jesus Christ do you follow?”

“I’m for families!”

“Jesus was against wealth. He was for feeding the hungry. He was for forgiveness. How have you lived according to those precepts, aside from giving your church the occasional box of canned food you’re not using?”

{Endless circles}.

“Such as?” is a valuable question. We need to remember it.

 
 
 

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