Adam-Troy Castro

Writer of Science Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Stories About Yams.

 

The Tragedy of Ber Nudgap

Posted on February 12th, 2018 by Adam-Troy Castro

Imagine for the sake of argument that it’s true.

I mean, it theoretically could be, right? In a world filled with billions of people with as many different sets of experience and aesthetic preferences, its likelihood cannot be boiled down to absolute zero, just near-zero.

So it is that minimal fraction of a possibility that I address.

Somewhere in the world, she struts:

Long-legged. Smoldering. Sultry. A portrait of female sexuality at its most steaming, a woman whose personal profile picture is the most explicit of all possible come-hithers. She is, however, chaste, because though the photograph taken of her by her friend at the Our Lady of Perpetual Frustration convent is as alluring a promise of hot coitus as has ever been produced in a captured image, she has yet to meet the man who enflames her passions, makes her helpless with longing.

Her name would strike anybody else as random syllabification, but this just adds to her mystery. “Ber Nudgap.”

She joins Facebook, and sans all other posting activity, sans all other evidence of an existence driven by other interests, does establish her profile and for two days of making no other friends is as much at a loss in this virtual world as she is in that beach she prowls alone, despite being as shiny with sweat as a new raincoat and so alluring she could likely get an erection from a fire hydrant.

Then somehow, despite being half a world away, despite having no friends or apparent interests in common, a compassionate providence leads to the profile page of one bald, overweight, fifty-something Jew in South Florida, and all the sensitive parts of her anatomy go liquid. Her prior reserve, her previous cloistered existence, all go the same place as her innocence. Waves of throbbing heat racing up her inner thighs, she somehow staggers away from the sun-dappled turquoise waters that have always provided her photographic background and, sobbing with need, makes her way to the laptop, where she must gather up all her desire and vulnerability and produce the overture that she can only pray capable of forging the connection that will fill the caverns of her hitherto-empty heart.

“hi your profile looks interesting can we meet?”

She fires it off, wondering if she’s been too bold.

The celibate ladies who attend her every need murmur among themselves as they watch the wild creature so treasured by their order reduced to a pining ghost of herself, haunting her message board in vain hope for a reply. None arrives. At length she falls prey to the fear that perhaps she was too bold, and sends a follow-up:

“hello again please answer I want to talk to you”

Surely, this, this eloquent and naked plea for attention, this missive drenched in authentic human feeling, with batter down the distant nebbish’s fortress-like inner being! Inwardly, she already dreams of the long nights of tireless rutting that will no doubt result from this moment of laying her heart bare; not just the sex, which will be historic, but all those fascinating other depths to which his wall alludes, while he strolls about the storms of online discourse like some Hebraic Heathcliff: Cats, Korean Horror movies, editorial response times. It is the life she wants, the existence she now knows she can longer live without.

But still no response comes, and so she tearfully returns to the laptop.

He has blocked her.

That savage, unfeeling brute! Does he not know that he has destroyed her! Is he so busy with the rest of his international harem, all drawn by his magnetic profile, those magnificent women not up to her own standards but still goddesses on Earth, Pel Hur, Girra Nastip, Zx Nbg, whose sole point of superiority over Ber is that they professed their adoration first? No, it cannot be! No, no no! Lost, with no other reason to engage the world with all she has to offer, she joins the order, and submits to a lifetime of silence, her dreams denied.

This is the tragedy of Ber Nudgap.

Hypothetically possible. If only just.

It is heartbreaking, is it not?

12 Movies That Are Actually Right About the Writing Life

Posted on February 3rd, 2018 by Adam-Troy Castro

Because writing is a spectacularly uncinematic occupation, almost all films about writers rely on tricks more congenial to celluloid: to wit, the writer has an adventure, the writer magically produces a book and is instantly famous with complications, the real-life famous writer experiences a spectacular event that prefigures his classic perfectly and establishes that he honestly didn’t make any of that shit up, he was just reporting. Movies about writers are filled with things like publishing houses that send private detectives to figure out when the writer will make a deadline, editors reading and accepting the book while the author sits there and watches him reading it, books published in a fortnight, writers living fabulously wealthy lifestyles on the basis of a paperback original, and – especially, often – printed “novel” manuscripts that don’t look long enough to contain a short story. Sometimes, the idiocy is risible, as in FINDING FORRESTER, where Sean Connery’s faux-Salinger serves as writing guru to a promising young man and shouts at him to type harder.

Very damn few movies, even the best movies about writers, show actual writing. It’s as boring to watch as the construction of Jigsaw puzzles. But here are a few that show off the writer’s mindset, and the odd pathologies of the profession. You will note that a disproportionate number of these actually deal with Writer’s Block, that disorder which critically both gives the writer angst and keeps him away from the workstation, always a good thing in cinematic terms.

REUBEN, REUBEN (1983) – Tom Conti as well-regarded but blocked indigent poet getting by on fees for readings at colleges, who sticks around one such community, irritating the rich husbands of the women he’s been charming. His response to one suburban fellow who has made a bundle marketing a speed-reading program, (“I wish I could read MOBY DICK slower,”) and the dull, resentful glare of the man he’s been speaking to, who feels personally assaulted, is the writer’s isolation captured in toto.

YOUNG ADULT (2011) – Diablo Cody’s screenplay presents us with the alcoholic Mavis Gary, a writer of absolute minimum success (she’s known for churning out volumes in a licensed series, now canceled and out of print), who returns to her home town to stalk the man who she once loved in High School. Her identity as writer is important to her, politely nodded at by everybody else, and regarded with boredom by the bookstore clerk wholly unimpressed that she has found a cut-out copy of one of her volumes, now out of print, for sale at substantial discount.

THE THIRD MAN (1949) – One of the great movies ever made is also about of the great impotent protagonists, hack western writer Holly Martin (Joseph Cotten), who arrives in post-war Vienna following the apparent death of his old friend Harry Lime (Orson Welles). The splendid thriller aside – and it really is a splendid thriller – the movie is achingly true when it comes to the discomfiture Martin endures, when the local highbrow community insists on inviting him to speak, even though they have no familiarity with his work and would certainly scorn if even if they had.

JULIA (1977) – Another great film, Fred Zinneman’s adaptation of the Lillian Hellman memoir details a bit of pre-war espionage by Hellman (Jane Fonda) that has long been charged as wholly invented. I won’t argue the point. But unlike most of the films on this list, it actually shows the process of writing: the torturous composition of Hellman’s first important work, her self-doubts, her aggravation at the typewriter, her frustration when her first attempts fail to bowl over her lover and first reader Dashiell Hammett (Jason Robards), and finally, the emergence of something worth the effort.

JOE GOULD’S SECRET (2000) – Yet another great film, the true story of New Yorker writer Joe Mitchell (Stanley Tucci) and the mysterious indigent Joe Gould (Ian Holm), who claims to have been working on an oral history of Manhattan. The problem is, the manuscript remains elusive. The last word on literary works praised in advance of their arrival, writing projects that putter out because they’ve been excessively talked about, and the distracting attentions of the literati. Joe Mitchell also had a literary secret, which arrives with the force of a thunderbolt in a closing text.

WONDER BOYS (also 2000) – Rare as it is for two accurate movies about the writing profession to arrive in the same year, and yes, a third is coming, this one is about several different strata of writing career, the nascent, the promising, the overpraised, and finally, in the person of Professor Grady Tripp (Douglas), the once-promising author who made a huge splash with his first novel and has since labored for decades on thousands of pages of a manuscript that shows no sign of stopping anytime soon. His student Hannah (Katie Holmes), hesitantly tells him precisely what’s gone wrong: “It sort of reads in places like you didn’t make any choices.” Exactly right, folks.

STATE AND MAIN (also 2000) – Philip Seymour Hoffman stars in David Mamet’s one uncharacteristically sunny film, about a screenwriter trapped with Hollywood folks making a period piece called THE OLD MILL. Seventeen years before Hollywood’s sexual misconduct scandals finally became overwhelming, the crisis is brought on by a pig of a lead actor (Alec Baldwin), and the writer’s struggle of conscience versus the commercial success that appears just out of reach, at the possible cost of his soul – and all that sounds heavy, but relax, it’s light and delightful and a movie you can take to your heart.

ADAPTATION (2002) – Charlie Kaufman, brought on to write a screenplay based on Susan Orlean’s much-praised but wholly uncinematic book The Orchid Thief, was so stunned by the challenges was instead a screenplay about a fictional Charlie Kaufman (Nicolas Cage) wrestling with creative paralysis after being hired to write a screenplay based on that Susan Orlean (Meryl Streep) work. Meanwhile, his fictional twin brother, Donald (also Kaufman) adds to his anxiety level by writing what sounds like a rancid but more commercial (and ultimately successful) screenplay. One of the great movies about the sweaty panics of writer’s block, it also features Chris Cooper and Tilda Swinton.

BARTON FINK (1991) – The Coen Brothers made this authentic writer’s nightmare, about writing to assignment with absolutely no guidelines. The titular pretentious playwright (John Turturro), a man who seems to have only one story in him and no instincts via which to create more, is brought out to Hollywood, subjected to smoke blown up his ass, and told to write a Wallace Beery wrestling picture that nevertheless has “that old Barton Fink feeling.” He has absolutely no idea what this means and the journey takes him to a form of Hell, along with new acquaintances Charlie Meadows (John Goodman), a traveling salesman who “has some stories,” and who ultimately gets to tell Barton just what he thinks about writers who want to write about the working man but won’t listen to him. Then there’s also W.P. Mayhew (John Mahoney), a wreck of a great writer who Fink venerates, but who has been hiding a creative secret for years. Again, it’s about writer’s block. But it’s about process, and the way in which writers can be complicit in their own destruction.

BARFLY (1987) – One of the few Cannon films that was actually a great movie, this adaptation of the universe of Charles Bukowski novels, with a screenplay by that author, is about the raucous life of Henry (Mickey Rourke), a denizen of skid row living in a perpetual state of inebriation, whose life is all about joyfully maintaining that state; he joins up with fellow alcoholic Wanda Wilcox (Faye Dunaway) and, in between drunken adventures, writes a little. It turns out that he needs to live the life he lives in order to write authentically about the life he lives, which is, you know, circular, but hey, it works for him. See also: FACTOTUM (2005), based on the same character.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP (1982) – John Irving’s novel about the wildly eccentric life of the titular minor literary novelist (Robin Williams), and his relationship with his much more lionized feminist guru mother, Jenny (Glenn Close). Some of the plot’s machinations, and especially its portrait of how the writing business works, are fanciful, but few things capture the writer’s bruised ego more than Garp’s late-night rant about his reaction to finding out that his Mom’s book has been translated into Apache.

FUNNY FARM (1988) – A minor but reasonably effective trifle that damns Chevy Chase with faint praise by being, honestly, one of the few good films of his career, it’s really just a plotless series of aggravations besetting his character and the wife played by Madolyn Smith, after he retires from journalism to write a novel, and they move to a big house in the country. The true-to-life moment comes when, with great fanfare, he hands his wife the first few chapters and orders her to read them. First, he hovers annoyingly, a habit many starting writers seeking feedback have to break; then, he gets her reaction, that the novel is beyond hopeless. In a movie driven by much slapstick, the scene remains funny while also being searingly real.

Please note: I do not claim this to be a complete list. But these remain outliers, because honestly, most times, the movies get it all wrong.

The Magic Store Is Out Of Business

Posted on January 19th, 2018 by Adam-Troy Castro

Originally published in Fantastic Stories of the Imagination, January 2017.

You know what kind of stories we don’t see much of, anymore, in print or visual media?

Well, that’s actually one of those questions possessed of multiple answers, and always will be, because the fact of the matter is that certain sub-genres fall in and out of favor, and in many cases should remain in the out column.

As just one example, before we get to the one that really sprung to mind today, you don’t see many “Yellow Peril” stories anymore, not even in the comics where they remained au currant long after the pulp outlets where such stories first thrived.

What’s that? You don’t know about the Yellow Peril stories?

They were the tales of highly cultured and educated Asian supervillains, who used torture and other ancient oriental arts to bedevil the white race, often while being opposed by lone western heroes who, though vastly outnumbered by the bad guy’s vast army of worshipful followers, would nevertheless find some way to blow the bad guy to smithereens in the last act. He was frequently immortal thanks to ancient jiggery-pokery of one kind or another, and he often had a beautiful daughter who would defy the staggering racism of the story in the foreground by falling in love with the white hero, and sometimes saving him from dear old Dad. Fu Manchu was the best known of the yellow peril super-villains, but there were certainly others, including The Yellow Claw and the old Iron Man villain the movies figured out how to use without really using, The Mandarin.

The closest thing we now have to an extant Yellow Peril villain now is one the comics introduced in what will, in only a few short years, be fifty bloody years ago: Batman’s perennial nemesis Ras Al Ghul. Ras has everything the Yellow Peril villains had including the means of immortality and the daughter – and as of this millennium’s storylines, daughters – whose loyalties shift back and forth between various sides of the righteousness fence, but his ethnic identity has been moved significantly further to the west, to the point where his most prominent live-action incarnation was played by an Irishman. I submit that this is using the form while altering the specific. As a villain, he owes everything to the basic model. And there’s a reason why in today’s world it’s difficult to introduce an Asian of his sort unless you also posit an Asian hero to oppose him: a perfectly commendable reason.

So, no, you don’t see that kind of story anymore, and further inroads have been made against others that folks have begun to point out as offensive in recent years, among them, what’s known as the Magical Negro. (And no, that cliché is not extinct, either, but by God, is it under siege.)

It is when you move away from tropes that have become more problematic – or rather, more widely recognized as problematic – in recent years that you come up with story types that have become rarer for different reasons.

Here’s the one I wanted to talk about today, the Magical Shoppe.

You’ve seen this multiple times; the mysterious store that pops up on a block where it’s never been before, sells the protagonist a magical item, and is then no longer at the site when the protagonist goes back to ask follow-up questions. The Twilight Zone had multiple iterations of this story, and the implication was always that the store came into being just to sell this particular protagonist that particular thing, which he would then be stuck with, consequences at all. There have been any number of stories where this was linked to some ethnicity, such an a wise old Asian (as in Gremlins), or to some swarthy robed trader right out of an Arabian souk, but it could also just as easily be a fast-talking Yankee, and so it cannot be mere cultural sensitivity that accounts for this sub-genre’s nigh-total disappearance from our narrative conversation. Granted, some of the reason has got to be years of surfeit on the part of editors who wince whenever the latest story that comes over the transom turns out to feature a random pedestrian who, go figures, spots a store he’s never seen before come into existence between two familiar retail establishments that before this point have always been adjacent – and this is a powerful reason all by itself, since many of the gatekeepers at the fiction markets known by this short story writer would only wince as the first familiar notes were wrung, and would likely pencil in a no even before the mysterious little man in the mysterious little shoppe sells some hapless viewpoint character an item that should never be placed in close proximity to bananas (or something). Successful writers also tend to know that this is a place their predecessors have visited any number of times, and to immediately put such ideas into the unworthy stack unless, and this is a very strong unless, the particular variation they’ve come up is so mind-staggeringly astonishing that completing it is their moral duty. Don’t hold your breath.

So these are all persuasive reasons why this particular sub-genre has been left in the dustiest part of the toolbox. But here’s another.

It honestly doesn’t make all that sense anymore, even as a subject for fantasy.

In the pulp days, it was possible to wander down a Manhattan street and find a strange little shop that sold something you had never seen for sale before. I’m old enough to remember one little store that sold a wide variety of 3-D postcards, another that was to go-to-place if you found yourself needing a kaleidoscope in a hurry, and one delicious store just off Times Square that did nothing, absolutely nothing, but print up a fake newspaper with the headline of your choice, a service that delighted tourists and kids in from the suburbs. Entering that establishment, you always found the same old guy reading a real newspaper, one with actual news, and you were the always the only customer there because it was that borderline a business model, meaning that he used to greet you with the absolute warmth of a merchant for whom you were the rescuer capable of keeping his store open for five minutes longer. You would look at the sample newspapers pinned to the wall, things with titles like MARY LIEBOWITZ GRADUATES HIGH SCHOOL or some other stupid thing, and you would come up with something you considered immeasurably more clever than that and he would go straight to little boxes of letters, actual metallic letters like in an old-time newspaper, so he could construct the front page while you watched, ink it up while you watched, and hand it to you with a stern warning not to let your still-wet prize touch anything, while you watched. This was all low-rent, all borderline, and wonderful.

(I parenthetically point out that his little establishment provided a joy of another sort, which somehow still continues to pay off, every once in a while, even today. To wit: the space your personalized newspaper devoted to your headline was just the top fourth or so. The rest of the front page was a selection of generic newspaper stories, that if memory serves included an alert to a recent mass break-out at a zoo. All of these stories came complete with text, conferring a bizarre sense of reality to your front page declaring that your younger brother was a real doodyhead. The old guy running this place must have gone through thousands of these pages, all identical, printing up novelty headlines for anybody who wandered into his place and thought that the idea of their own front page ridiculously cool. So, fine: but every once in a while you would be at home watching some old movie on one of the lesser channels – this being the era where most home televisions in the greater metropolitan area could only pick up seven channels clearly, those being 2, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, and 13 on the dial. The movie would come to some dramatic moment conveyed by headline, like MONSTER ESCAPES FROM LAB, and you who possessed a version of the same newspaper on your own bedroom wall would suddenly grin like a loon because, yes, right there under that screaming banner would be all the same filler stories that you knew by heart, including the one about the mass break-out from the zoo. Words cannot express how wildly delightful it was, to have the crappy movie’s already shaky illusions shattered this way, to know that whoever paid its bills had been so bloody parsimonious with his pocketbook that he’d sent some prop guy to that very store, to get a banner headline printed up on the cheap. Some movies had multiple headlines of that sort, MONSTER ESCAPES FROM LAB to MONSTER STRIKES AGAIN to MONSTER HIDING IN WAREHOUSE DISTRICT, and in such cases it was true found comedy when the lead story underneath those bellowing pronouncements of doom was always another, identical, break from the same goddamned zoo. This was golden, people. It remains golden whenever I spot one of those crappy made-for-order newspapers in some poverty-row old movie. And I’ve got to tell you, one of the life pleasures we sacrificed forever whenever every Tom, Dick and Nudnik got a computer printer suitable for printing up any goddamned headline they wanted. A little delight went out of the world, when absurdity of this particular sort was denied us. Thus endeth the parenthesis.)

The point is, though, that all of this was possible at all because that was a simpler time when it was a common, among us to find a peculiar little store that sold one particular eccentric thing that you could find nowhere else, and where such holes in the wall could exist for decades even in as bustling an area as the streets around Times Square. Back then, the era of the chain store had not yet completely taken over this country’s retail fabric. A drive down a typical American commercial drag was not an exercise in yet another Starbucks and yet another Best Buy and yet another Target and yet another Office Max and yet another Pet Supermarket and look, another Starbucks, already, go figure. These days, driving the outskirts and sometimes the center of any sizeable urban region is an exercise in experiencing in your life what Fred Flintstone used to experience running for dear life in his own life, a recycled background in which, every five feet, he would run past the same easy chair, the same little table, the same plant, repeating forever no matter how far he ran.

We’re also largely past the pedestrian era. Sure, foot-shopping still exists in some places, both in very big cities and in very tiny ones, but increasingly we drive to wherever we’re going, making silly retail discoveries only accidentally. These days, even malls are in trouble, because so many of us buy anything we want online, forty percent of the time from the same one retailer.

So it is any surprise that the eccentric little shop run by the eccentric little man that sells you the one thing you could find nowhere else, is increasingly no longer a trope in fantasy? It is indeed becoming more fantastic, in the sense of being harder to countenance, but also in the sense that it’s farther from the shared experience that once would have allowed us to identify with it. Get rid of that particular shared experience, and the ideas that shared experience once spawned somehow no longer come up.

So that magical little shoppe that appears and disappears becomes a thing of the past.

But here’s a story idea for you.

What happens when the followers of that particular business model start selling online?

 
 
 

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