Originally published on Facebook 13 April 2013.

To all. Please don’t venture to guess who the following is addressed to. That individual will know, but the offense took place in e-mail, not on my wall.)

To Whom It May Concern:

When responding to an assault as base and moronic as yours, I usually don’t fall back on that reliable old standby, “Go Screw Yourself.”

I’m a wordsmith, you see, and where righteous abuse is concerned I learned from the best.

I can do much better than that, and indeed frequently have, both in print and in person.

For instance:

I could say that you should be chained to a truck bumper and driven fast over cobblestones.

I could say that when somebody has clearly eaten as much shit as you have, it is no longer a matter of taste but one of addiction, and that you should be subjected to an intervention from your loved ones, which I would then add would undoubtedly include four fingers and a thumb.

I could suggest that you return to the primordial sea that spawned the first organic molecules on Earth, and stew a little longer, because you’re clearly not done yet.

I could finally aver that when you finally do shuffle off this mortal coil, you should be buried face down with your posterior emerging from the grave, where you will meet your most useful destiny providing a parking space for bicycles.

See? “Fuck You” is too simple. It’s unworthy of my creativity and what you have demonstrated, an eminent level of douchebaggery that deserves the very best.

Still.

When I encounter a personality as utterly without worth as yours, I concede that in your case the act of reflexive coitus has a symbolic resonance difficult to beat. Specifically — once the most USEFUL part of yourself is inserted into the most REPRESENTATIVE part of yourself, and the auto-buggery begins in earnest, you will become a closed system, your worthlessness feeding back into your awfulness ad-infinitum, to the point where you might actually become the topological singularity you aspire to be and disappear from this suffering universe entirely, freeing the rest of us to usher in the golden age.

So, yes, please do go screw yourself, with my blessings…and be sure to wear protection; there’s no telling what vile diseases you might have picked up from the sheep.

Sincerely,

Tags: Assholes | Category True Stories