Look, the worst thing that can happen to you at the movies is the commentary track from the fellow patron who understands nothing, who doesn’t get the point, who sometimes advises his fellows what’s happening with absolute certainty even though his explanation suggests that he’s watching a completely different movie on his phone. We all know this.
Sometimes the commentary doesn’t need to be endless. Honestly, the guy who sat behind me yesterday was largely quiet during ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD, even if he did open up his mouth at a key dramatic moment and tell everybody, “This must be the scene where the kidnappers cut off the kid’s ear.” That was an unnecessary observation to speak out loud. Even though almost everybody in the theatre was either old enough to remember the Getty kidnapping, or had picked up this dramatic point from prior coverage of the film, the last thing you need while a story is playing out is the proudly clued-in person announcing the story beats just before they happen.
I know Hamlet kills Polonius and that he must kill Polonius. I am sure that most of my fellow members of the audience have also been exposed to some version of HAMLET in the past and are also operating from this knowledge. But if I am in a movie theatre watching any version of HAMLET I do not stand up at the moment when Polonius hides behind the curtain, wave semaphore flags and tell everybody, “Hey, this must be the scene where he kills Polonius!”
But still, that is stuff that happens during the film.
It takes a truly talented person to say something so clueless that it rings in your head throughout the film, before the actual beginning of the film.
It takes a profound nudnik to say something during the trailer that makes me want to turn around and say, “Really? How does that sponge between your ears generate enough electrical energy to keep your heart beating?”
To wit:
One of the trailers before ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD is a film whose title fled me. (ADDENDUM: It is ALPHA.)
It is one of those trailers that tells almost the entire story. Honestly, if you threw out the full motion picture and played only these three minutes, in toto, you would have all the major story beats, and a perfectly acceptable short subject.
A title card advises us that the story takes place fifty thousand years ago.
A group of fur-clad hunter-gatherers wander across a stark landscape, hunting bison.
Our protagonist is a young man.
We see something goes wrong during the hunt. A bison, trapped against the edge of a cliff, knocks the kid off the edge.
We see his weeping family give the boy up for dead.
We see the boy wake. He is injured, but he has fallen in soft mud and survived with only a broken leg.
We see him set that leg, screaming.
We see him wandering, calling his loved ones, not getting a response.
We see him running from a wolf.
We see him take pity on the injured animal and bring it to a cave.
Honestly, the trailer gives you all of this. The whole goddamned story.
We see him toss the wolf a hunk of meat.
We see the boy and wolf together by the fire.
We see the boy and wolf hunting together.
Then we get the title of the movie, and the tag-line, “Witness the Origin of the Relationship that Changed the World Forever.”
Honestly. The whole story. I know six-year-olds who could explain what happened in that three minutes, in detail.
It doesn’t look like a great film, honestly. In part because the kid talks like he was raised in 2017. I kept expecting him to start scrolling through his twitter feed. But still, one of the most important events in the history of human civilization (and one that likely took place in multiple locations, with multiple people). Fodder for a great film, at least.
The scenes excerpted didn’t move me at all, but that tag-line raised a lump in my throat. It might have done the same for you. That tag line hits many of us, who have ever had any relationship with dogs, where we live.
The guy behind me said, “I don’t get it. What relationship is that?”
The woman sitting next to him said, “The dog.”
“He makes friends with the dog?”
“Yes.”
“Why does that change the world forever?”
…this echoed in my ears for two hours.
Comment By: John Godwin
January 8th, 2018 at 11:17 am
Trump voter.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 11:17 am
Comment By: Pat Turner
January 8th, 2018 at 11:17 am
I hate that guy.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
Can anyone identify the movie? I want to capture the trailer.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
“Alpha” (I saw the same trailer.)
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4244998/
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
I agree it looks like a wretched movie. I also got the impression the boy wounds the wolf, but then for some reason decides to care for it.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
Trailer:
https://youtu.be/uIxnTi4GmCo
Comment By: James Patrick Parks
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
Because the wolf is crippled and won’t survive on its own, just like the human.
Hey, some human, at some point, was the first to try to form a partnership with a wolf.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
I always figured they brought home pups after killing the parents.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
It looks like its worst sin is casting too Disney a lead.
And yes, I got some plot details wrong, since yesterday.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
I always get annoyed (probably to the point of over-reaction) at the assumption that ancient people were Just Like Us, ethically and emotionally. And that wild animals just want to be our friends. Disney assumptions, both of them.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
Wild animals have made that decision, though. Some. It is an outlier, and not just canines. But it happens.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
(Nor is it testimony to how unbelievably appealing we are, as a species. The whole phenomenon of unlikely animal friendships happens, like the feral cats who decide that they really really like this one particular crow. Or this one lioness who decided she liked caring for gazelle babies; she had to be moved inside a compound, after three such incidents.)
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
Or they like meals at regular hours. One of Gerald Durrell’s books describes how they had to release the already-captured animals on a South American expedition because they could not ship them back to England, and the freed animals hung around the camp for a considerable time, mournfully awaiting dinner.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 2:17 pm
Yes, and there are odder, less mechanistic examples, than can only be explained by chemistry.
Mammals are prone to it. They react to neoteny, the rounded faces of the young. Again, lions who have killed an adult prey animal have been observed reacting with concern and horror when one of the orphaned young cry in terror. Their own maternal instincts kick in and cause confusion.
Then there is the fact, observed, that polar bears absolutely adore huskies. Love them. Will play with them. Will cuddle with them. Will not react to them as prey animals.
Is it that unrealistic to believe that some ancient wolf might have had similar fascination for some ancient man?
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 2:17 pm
One of my own family legends involves a completely non-mammalian example of something that looks a lot like cross-species empathy.
My paternal grandparents owned a small farm (walnuts and almonds) in central California. As they told the tale, a woman on a nearby farm had left her baby lying on a blanket in the yard, while she stepped inside to tend to something. Looking out the window, she saw that the baby was playing with a large rattlesnake.
She knew that if she rushed out to intervene, the snake would probably panic and bite the baby. So she waited (and I am in awe of her self-control) while the curious baby kept pulling the snake back onto the blanket and playing with it, until finally the snake escaped and crawled away.
At this point, the teller of the story would remark that the snake must have sensed it was dealing with a young animal that meant it no harm. To me, this seems like a lot of mentation to assign to a snake, but at least it did not feel threatened. It’s one of those mysterious “shaking my head” stories, but I do treasure it.
Comment By: Jennifer Williamson
January 9th, 2018 at 1:22 am
I recently heard (and while I have not researched this, I would love for it to be true) that Elephants think we are adorable.
Comment By: Kelley Johnston
January 8th, 2018 at 11:18 am
“How does that sponge…”
Oh my, Mr. C, I think I may have done me a damage reading that. My new favourite insult, and I’ve read Shakespeare.
Comment By: David Duet
January 8th, 2018 at 11:13 am
The name of the movie is “Alpha”.
Comment By: Anne McDonald
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
Oh my.
Comment By: Eric Dietz
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
Yeah, that’s pretty thick, but does it really ruin an entirely different film?
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
Only in the sense that I kept remembering it.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
The annoyance of audience chatter, relevant or not, is one reason theaters are in trouble. Renting a film to view at home is becoming a better choice for all but the “must see it when it’s brand new” audience.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
The reason I go to movies at low-peak times.
I have discovered that teenagers are now less annoying to me than old people, at the movies.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
I mostly now go to movies to be with friends, or when it’s something like the new Star Wars episode, that won’t be available streaming for a considerable time.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
Old people insist on telling each other important things like, “Oh. The boat is sinking now.”
Still, honestly, there is something about seeing a good drama theatrically, that you do not get at home.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
I do agree. It’s similar to the magic of live theater in that way. When I Iived in San Francisco, we had the Castro, one of the last grand old movie palaces, a few blocks away, and we were often there on weekends, for whatever film festival they had dreamed up. It’s how I encountered Margaret Rutherford’s Miss Marple films.
Comment By: Eric Dietz
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
I regret any ethical dubiousness here (buy the book), but it’s relevant. #8: https://www.e-reading.club/chapter.php/79497/31/Barry_-_Dave_Barry_Slept_Here.html
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 12:17 pm
Seeing THE MALTESE FALCON and LAWRENCE OF ARABIA and TREASURE OF THE SIERRA MADRE and REAR WINDOW all for the first time with large and appreciative audiences, enhanced all of them.
Comment By: Russell Handelman
January 8th, 2018 at 1:18 pm
I think the problem of “chattering audiences” has increased because so many people have become accustomed to watching movies at home, where they can feel free to talk all they want, that they forget, or don’t care, that they’re in a public place where others may not want to hear from them.
Comment By: Barbara Kwasniewski
January 8th, 2018 at 5:18 pm
I think you’re right, Russell Handelman, and I have a tendency to remind them.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 10:18 pm
Sometimes hostile.
Comment By: Eric Dietz
January 8th, 2018 at 11:17 pm
Honestly, chattering seems to me less bad than it used. Or maybe I just hanging around different areas, but I recall at least one couple who wouldn’t shut up even in an artier venue.
Comment By: Dennis Morrigan McDonough
January 9th, 2018 at 1:22 am
Adam-Troy Castro, could the comments by old people possibly have to do with declining eyesight or hearing, one part of a viewing pair explaining to the other? A friend of mine is legally blind. Her father is nearly deaf. If one missed something on TV, even with glasses or hearing aid, the other would fill the other in.
Comment By: Resa Haile
January 9th, 2018 at 9:22 am
I was at a play where the woman behind me loudly repeated every punchline and commented on the action.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 9th, 2018 at 10:19 am
Dennis, I have experienced that. Sounds completely different. It is not the same thing as someone who just can’t shut the fuck up.
Comment By: Rebecca Mashaw
January 8th, 2018 at 2:17 pm
We should be allowed to taze people who do this shit.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 8th, 2018 at 2:17 pm
One of my favorite interpecies empathy stories happened to me personally.
One of the visits Judi and I took made during our honeymoon — God, fifteen years ago — was to a wildlife rescue place called Amazing Exotics, where we paid for a tour and for encounters that included a baby siamang.
We were given two pieces of instruction: not to attempt to restrain the Siamang, not to hold it, to let it interact with us as it wanted.
It turned out that of the dozen people there, it wanted nothing to do with anyone except for me.
Our first interaction was when I took a piece of lettuce and offered it to him. He took the lettuce from my hands with his hands, and then took a piece of fruit and extended it to me. I took the fruit from his hands, thanked him, and he crawled inside my coat, refusing to mix with anyone else.
Comment By: Stephen M. Paulsen
January 8th, 2018 at 3:17 pm
âReally? How does that sponge between your ears generate enough electrical energy to keep your heart beating?â
Bless you, Mr. Castro.
Comment By: Jayme Lynn Blaschke
January 8th, 2018 at 4:18 pm
I have the perfect date for him. WAAAAY back in the dark ages, I let a date pick out a movie. She chose Van Damme’s DOUBLE IMPACT, which has Van Damme playing the traditional “twins separated at birth” trope. There was another couple behind us, and the woman was of the running commentary type. Only she was vacuous to the extreme. Listening to her inane prattle became more entertaining than the film itself. Then, at the climax, when the second Van Damme reveals himself, she gasps “God! He’s such a good actor, he even LOOKS like Van Damme!”
Good thing I wasn’t drinking anything, because that would’ve been the mother of all spit-takes.
Comment By: Brian Siano
January 8th, 2018 at 5:18 pm
I just read your piece to L, the dog walker, and she has been on the floor in hysterics for nearly two minutes now.
Comment By: Sara Slaymaker
January 8th, 2018 at 6:58 pm
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2013/03/130302-dog-domestic-evolution-science-wolf-wolves-human/
Comment By: Dennis Morrigan McDonough
January 9th, 2018 at 1:22 am
Uh …
Comment By: Dennis Morrigan McDonough
January 9th, 2018 at 1:22 am
I do hope Kodi Smit-McPhee’s character isn’t going to invent the bow. Spear-throwing sticks came long before the bow.
Comment By: David E Edge
January 9th, 2018 at 9:22 am
I will guiltily admit to something I did waiting in line for Star Trek IV with a large group of friends who hung around the local comics shop… we had seen “The Color of Money” together there the month before when it came out, so we were familiar with the film, etc. There was a middle aged woman in line for TCoM at the same time we were waiting for entry into our theater, and she was one of those people who just has to talk so loud people in the next county can hear them. High pitched, very nasal voice, almost like nails on a chalkboard. Over and over again bewailing the high cost of movies (ok, no arguement there) and hoping very vocally, that the movie will be good and not a waste of that money. From the sound of it you would think the ticket price was going to keep her from eating for a week, and I highly doubt she’d ever missed a meal.. Anyway, more and more people tried to edge away from her and tune her out, and she got louder and more screetchy every minute… so as we walked past to get our seats in our theater, I looked right at her and said, “the cat dies at the end…” OMG the screech went up a hundredfold. “I CAN’T BELIEVE HE SAID THAT!!! HE RUINED THE MOVIE FOR ME!!!” over and over on a loop while one of the poor kids who worked there tried to tell her repeatedly, “Lady, there’s NO CAT IN THE MOVIE”. He came in later to deliver a message from the manager, who knew we were in there as a group probably once a week or so, saying, “you can’t ever do anything…” then he’d stop and laugh for a bit, “ANYTHING like that ever, ” more laughter, “AGAIN….”
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
January 9th, 2018 at 9:22 am
Hilarious.
Reminds me of the time I saw an awful woman who just adored Tom Hanks, she said, but whose patter on line easily cast her as one of the bottom third of humanity, buy a ticket to ATLAS SHRUGGED when she wanted to see CLOUD ATLAS. And grinningly held my tongue. I wondered how much she sat through waiting for him to show up.
Comment By: Stephen M. Paulsen
January 9th, 2018 at 10:19 am
Mr. Edge: Hero for the Day.
Comment By: Patrick Heffernan
January 9th, 2018 at 10:19 am
Great. So you watched a trailer about the beginning of civilization, ALPHA, and witnessed an example of why it will end, OMEGA.