Originally Published On Facebook Dec 18 2014.
A SCENE SOME SEEM TO IMAGINE.
“Hello, Sandy?”
“Yes?”
“I’m your rapist.”
“Oh! You’re early! I didn’t expect you to arrive for half an hour yet. I haven’t even finished cleaning the place.”
“Well, rapist. Boundaries. You know. Should I come back?”
“No, no, you’re here now, so. Do we just go to the bedroom, or what?”
“After the paperwork.”
“Paperwork?”
“Yes. I brought the forms. They won’t take long. Let’s sit over here.”
“Sure. Before we sit down, would you like me to get you anything?”
“Some water would be just great.”
(Returning a few minutes later) “I didn’t ask if you wanted ice.”
“This is fine. Please sit.”
“Okay. What’s all this then?”
“Okay. These forms document that the sex act we’re about to have is being committed against your body without your consent.”
“Gee, doesn’t signing the form kind of contradict that?”
“No, it’s only if you fail to sign the forms that you are presumed to have consented. If you sign the forms, you document that this is a legitimate rape, and that you are therefore entitled to medical decisions over your own body.”
“Oh, okay. This is more complicated than I thought it was. But I wouldn’t want anybody to think this rape wasn’t, you know, legitimate.” (Reading over contract) “Sounds pretty straightforward. Where do I sign?”
“Here. And here. And here. Put the date here. And here. And here.”
“Okay.”
“This second form documents that your bruises and internal injuries and broken jaw all result from acts committed against your will, and not rough sex. Sign here. and here. And here. And here. Put the date here. And here. And here.”
“Okay.”
“This third form documents that you are a nice religious girl.”
“Why would that even be an issue?”
“Legitimate Rape has been defined by real experts, male experts, as primarily that committed against nice religious girls, saving their virginity until marriage, whose lives of dedicated chastity can actually be traumatized by the acts committed against them. Girls like that, it’s been argued, will still qualify for the rape exception for abortions, while girls of less elevated moral character are not quite as upset by the experience and can endure their unwanted pregnancies with relative aplomb.”
“Wow. You must have some real experience at this.” (Thinking about it) “Well, I’m not a fanatic about it, but I’m willing to attest that I’m religious, sorta.”
“Whatever. Sign here and here and here. Put the date here and here and here.”
“Okay.”
“Now give me a thumbprint.”
“Here. Wow, that was like filling out a mortgage.”
“Okay, now we need to get it witnessed and notarized. I invited your mother.”
(Door opens) “Hi, dear.”
“Hi, Mom. Thanks for coming. This is my rapist.”
“My, what a fine-looking young man. Where do I sign, honey?”
“Here. And here. And here. Put the date here. And here. And here. And all these other places.”
“Wow. That was like filling out a mortgage.”
“That was what I said, Mom.”
“That was cute.”
“Thank you, young man.”
“And thank you, Mrs. Johnson.”
“Can I just ask my daughter if she’ll be over for Shabbos?”
“Well, I can’t guarantee that, ma’am. You know.”
“That’s right. What a silly old goose I am. I hope you make it, honey!”
“Thanks, Mom! I hope I live to see you again!”
(Door closes)
“Is that it? Does the rape start now? I have to go to work in the morning.”
“No, Sandy. We still need that notary public to render it legitimate.”
“There’s a drug store on the corner.”
“I know. I’ve been stalking you, as you know.”
“Boy, are you thorough!”
“Just trying to live up to those new governmental regulations. This used to be a lot easier, but now the paperwork can be a real…well, bitch, though that’s a word I try not to use outside the act itself. It shouldn’t take more than five minutes to go down there, get that seal on the document, make copies, mail them in, and come back, so we can get started.” (Slyly) “Unless you don’t care whether it’s legitimate…?”
“No. I’ve always been a stickler for the formalities.”
(Deflated) “Okay. If you insist.”
“Don’t be such a gloomy gus! I am, other than that, so UP for this!”
(Brightens) “You’re practically…asking for it.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s another form. Can you catch up to your Mom before she reaches the stairs?”
Comment By: Morgan Smith
December 18th, 2015 at 4:18 pm
I feel as though I know that guy.
Comment By: Steven Silver
December 18th, 2015 at 4:18 pm
As a notary public, I’ll point out that in order for the document to be notarized, the official need to watch the individuals sign the documents and confirm their identities. The notary should have been there the whole time.