Adam-Troy Castro

Writer of Science Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Stories About Yams.

 

I Am Not Owed Awe.

Posted on June 19th, 2017 by Adam-Troy Castro

This is not about me.

I’m using my own career and my own reaction to praise as a handy-dandy example, but the words to follow are not to be taken as naked pleas for attention; honestly, they’re not.

I am aware that the nature of the beast dictates that some who read the following will respond with fervent declarations of how awesome they feel I am, and I thank them in advance; but as much as I do enjoy compliments, that is neither what I’m asking for nor the form of thought I am seeking to provoke.

This is not sarcasm.

Writers aspire to being a voice inside your head. It is a given sometimes that voice will grate (“This guy sucks!”) and sometimes it will provoke (“This guy always makes me mad! I want to read his next six books to keep an eye on him!”) and sometimes it will resonate mightily (“This guy’s awesome! He changed me!”)

So it’s a given that any writer who’s any good at this at all, even if only for a small portion of the audience, has been given extravagant compliments – sometimes by others who have themselves earned extravagant compliments.

So I’m not saying anything special when I say that I have been given extravagant compliments, from those based on individual works (“That story was great!”) to those that cover the entire body of work (“You’re one of my favorite writers!”)

This is always appreciated.

There is a point, though, where if you’re a writer and have any sense of personal perspective, the compliments get too thick.

Tell me you think I’m great, fine, I can listen to that all day. Tell me I’m your favorite, great, I recognize that this is a purely subjective opinion and that it just happened to land where it did. Tell me that I’m the best writer in the field of science fiction, as has happened, and my incredulity starts to kick in. Tell me I’m the best there ever was and I start thinking, “Oh, come on.” Tell me I’m the best there ever was and that the others all suck, and I will start looking for the exit.

This is because I exist inside this skin. I know the degree to which my conceptions are compromised by the point they reach the page. I know the effects I have to strain to reach, and how often I read the stories of others and are left feeling inadequate, thinking that one particular passage, one particular character, will always be beyond me. I know that I have feet of clay, and honestly, any good writer who ever existed knows that he has feet of clay. We all work around our limitations, to various levels of success. It is the reason why, if we’re sane, admiration that borders on worship makes us uneasy. Megalomania is for assholes.

There’s a scene during the Thomas Harris novel Red Dragon, the same work that introduced Hannibal Lecter, filmed twice for the movies and once for the TV series, where the serial killer known as the Tooth Fairy tells a captive, “You owe me awe.” This is megalomania, and one way you know the speaker is fucking crazy.

Nobody except a madman or a total asshole thinks he’s owed awe. Oh, you can make a certain exception to someone who occupies a position where awe is expected: a President, a Pope, a King, a legendary musician. In many cases, though, even they know that they receive awe because of what they are, not so much because of who they are. Get elected President, and even if you’re a total piece of shit you will expect to be greeted by orchestras playing “Hail to the Chief.” It’s part of the job description. Write Game of Thrones and you will receive awe because people are rapt. But that is not awe for you, the being who took a shit and didn’t quite manage to fully clean his ass this morning. You are still a flawed being.

Artists can earn awe. Artists can come to expect awe. The sane don’t think they’re owed awe. And the sane don’t get upset, to the point of rallying legions of single-minded asshole fans, to run amuck harassing people for the sin of not treating them with awe. That’s crazy. That’s tunnel-vision of the most insipid sort.

I am not owed awe. You are not owed awe. Nobody is owed awe.

Awe is not something that can be owed.

This is commentary on the continued activities of a certain jackass, who I only refer to by the nickname “Hurt-Feelings Harry,” who thought he was owed a Hugo statuette a few years ago, and has since assaulted heaven and earth for the sin of not giving him one. This has been going on for years, now, and the jackass in question continues to expend thousands of words of invective against those who question his single-mindedness of purpose.

He is not owed awe.

He is owed incredulity.

15 Responses to "I Am Not Owed Awe."

  1. People with shit for soul and brains hang to the little they have fiercely. They will wallow in their bs until they die.

  2. One of the reasons Shakespeare exists is to keep other writers reasonably humble.

  3. Mike Glyer

  4. Ask him in Mandarin….

  5. Monomania?

  6. It’s not just writers. A couple months ago at work I had an awesome week and set 2 sales records for my department that still stand. As a result new people are being told I am the best, and occasionally they develop a bit of hero-worship that makes me uncomfortable (especially one coworker who once pointed out that “God” and “Amy” have the same number of letters in them and when he had a day where he could have broken one of my sales records he refused to try).

  7. ?? Who is O. Dawe?

  8. Displaced Nigerian Prince living in Bimini.

  9. Ah.

  10. yeah, that is a v good point – my readers can say all the wonderful things they like about my books (readers, say wonderful things about my books!), but saying wonderful things about me seems misplaced.

  11. Aw(e)!

  12. Okay, I couldn’t resist, so after reading this I hopped over to HFH’s latest tirade. Hoo, Nellie! The psychological projection was off the charts. It makes the Cheeto-in-chief’s 3am Twitter rants look downright diffident.

  13. Who is HFH?

  14. Hurt Feelings Harry

  15. […] (2) ON AN EVEN KEEL.  Adam-Troy Castro makes an important point about keeping things in perspective: “I Am Not Owed Awe”. […]

Leave a Reply



  



  

  


XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

 
 
 

Copyright © 2011 Adam-Troy Castro Designed by Brandy Hauman