Originally published on Facebook 6 March 2014.
I’m no expert at interpersonal relationships, but in my life I have picked up some things, and this is one that some of you seem to be having some problems with.
If you are part of a large and informal group of friends that you interact with regularly, odds are at least fifty-fifty that there is at least one person in that group who thinks you’re a total asshole but who is nice to you for the sake of the group.
The chances of this go up the wider you define this group. Four friends? Maybe you really are a band of brothers. Eight? One thinks you’re the weak link. Twenty? One wouldn’t even give you a call if it just came down to the two of you. Forty? One wouldn’t spit on you if you were on fire.
It is inevitable. No matter who you are, you will have one friend who doesn’t just dislike, but actively despises, may even be sworn enemy of, another person with equal claim on your friendship, but who tamps it down if they must be in the same room.
This is the way it works. This is the way it has always worked. This is what makes peace possible.
Therefore, I really don’t mind that you hate my friend, X. My friend X can take care of himself. He has plenty of friends and doesn’t need you. The world is a big place. We can get along.
It only becomes a problem if you feel you must try to win an argument with me on the subject of Friend X.
I guarantee you, if I am close to Friend X, I know that “Asshole” is part of his Venn Diagram. As it is part of mine. As it is part of yours. I have clearly already made my personal calculations and decided that his other aspects are more important. I may someday change my mind. But it is my mind to change, based on whatever passes between me and Friend X; possibly even depending on what I see Friend X do to Friend Y. But you, who have had a different experience with Friend X, and therefore a different reaction, cannot win this argument with me using words, no matter how eloquently you express everything you find objectionable about him. It is, however, very possible for you to lose it. You can become a bore. You can become a scold. You can just become the distasteful person who always feels obligated to piss on my pal; the guy who gives me the impression that nothing will satisfy him until I start pissing on my pal too. That makes YOU the shithead.
Bottom line: you start badmouthing a guy and I say, “He’s a friend of mine,” it is either time to change the subject or for one of us to leave the room.
This is not rocket science.
Comment By: Shelley Adrienne Mimi Belsky
March 6th, 2016 at 1:18 pm
I have learned to edit my public reality when such a person is in the room.
Simply looking through them.
It’s very effective.
Comment By: David Vineyard
March 6th, 2016 at 4:18 pm
I usually put it down to jealousey.
Comment By: Eva Whitley
March 6th, 2016 at 5:17 pm
But what if the reason is that your friend raped me, and I can’t prove it?
Comment By: Sharon Ward
March 6th, 2016 at 10:18 pm
I lost a dear friend because I became friends with someone she couldn’t stand. She actually came to my house, started screaming at me, and then gave me an ultimatum. I didn’t believe her at first, but she then started lying about me to others, and told me it was my punishment.
Comment By: Lindalee Stahlman Volmert
March 6th, 2016 at 10:18 pm
A couple who I actually introduced to each other were together for 25 years. Then they got divorced. One was perfectly ok with me being friends with the other. One wasn’t. One guess which one I stayed friends with.
Comment By: Pixel Scroll 3/6/16 Life During Scrolltime | File 770
March 6th, 2016 at 10:55 pm
[…] (11) FRIENDSHIP CALCULUS. Adam-Troy Castro explains “How To Remain My Friend When You Really Hate My Friend”. […]
Comment By: Evelyn Gingersnap Stice
March 7th, 2016 at 8:24 am
This made me genuinely smile. In recognition, because it’s such an integral part of the human condition.
Comment By: Steve Timberlake
July 30th, 2017 at 2:19 pm
But, but blogs are dying! Everyone says so!
s/ Blogger since 2001
Comment By: Brenda Balin
July 30th, 2017 at 2:19 pm
The friend of my friend is not always my friend. And the enemy of my friend might not be my enemy, either.
Comment By: David Peattie
July 30th, 2017 at 2:19 pm
Adam: this one hit home with me because I went through something exactly like it in my younger years. A guy I was friends with really didn’t like someone else I was friends with, and basically gave me a lot of shit and finally an ultimatum about who I most wanted to be friends with. I flat-out told him that my being friends with him did not entitle him to decide who else I could be friends with, and if he couldn’t deal with it, he knew where the door was. We never spoke again.
I actually haven’t thought about him in years. Now I wonder whatever happened to him.
Comment By: Brenda Balin
July 30th, 2017 at 2:20 pm
Someone who wants to control your choices or manipulate you with ultimatums isn’t a good friend. In my case, ultimatums tend to make me do the opposite of what the issuer demands.
Comment By: David Peattie
July 30th, 2017 at 2:20 pm
Yep. Or, as I seem to have to tell more and more people these days, I don’t respond well to threats.
Comment By: Barbara Kwasniewski
July 30th, 2017 at 4:18 pm
My ex couldn’t stand my brother. I finally had to explicitly tell him that if he forced me to choose, he probably wouldn’t be happy with the results.