This is the story of how I fiendishly ruined my high school graduation.
It was an act of nefarious genius, a prank that nobody could prove was a prank, one last act of defiance before I left those hallowed halls forever.
Well, okay, let me specify that this is not precisely accurate. That ceremony with the caps and gowns? Was not what I ruined. What I ruined was the ceremony that came a few days before it, the award ceremony, where various students of note received their certificates of honor and their commendations and their scholarships and grants and so on.
In all such ceremonies, I feel sorry for the kid who wins the award for perfect attendance. What a low bar! But I, never a great student, was only one level above him. I was to win a little plaque for getting a good grade on my Regents Test, and this was to be one of the first awards in a ceremony projected to last about an hour and a half. I would have to get my little award, return to my seat, and then sit there quietly as a parade of the more accomplished got increasingly more impressive honors, while I ached to leave. Think any of the Academy Awards for technical achievement, that the home audience cannot give a flying fuck about.
This, if you know me, is a recipe for disaster.
So there I am in the high school auditorium, tucked between my parents and a good friend also up for one of the little awards, hating what is about to come.
On the stage is the High School Principal, standing at a lectern, and sitting down the Vice Principal, the Superintendent of Schools, and the entire Board of Education. And during the awards that come before mine the students climb the steps, come on stage, receive their largesse from the Principal, shake his hand, cross before the other dignitaries, and descend the steps on the other side. Easy, peasy.
Then my name is called.
I turn to my friend and tell him, “Watch me ruin the ceremony for everybody.”
I say this. I actually come out and say it.
Then I file out of my row, climb the steps, accept my dinky little plaque from the Principal, shake his hand, and rather than leave right away, MAKE A POINT OF STOPPING AT EVERY SEATED OFFICIAL TO SHAKE HIS HAND, before leaving the stage.
When I get back down and file back to my row, my Dad says, “That was very nice.”
When I sit next to my friend, he says, “That was vicious.”
And so it turned out to be. For the rest of the night, many dozens of presentations, every kid who ascended those stairs had to honor my example, shaking the hands of every official in the row. The ceremony was elongated by almost two hours. The Board of Education finally surrendered to the inevitable and stood up, looking stiff and uncomfortable as every student passed them. I saw them muttering to one another. I have it on good authority, from an unimpeachable source within their ranks, that they were complaining about what I had done. That rotten ACHIEVING KID!
And following the ceremony?
All the adults told me what a fine young example I had been.
DOZENS OF KIDS came up to me, in a mixture of irritation and admiration, demanding to know whether I HAD DONE THAT ON PURPOSE.
I produced the friend who had been sitting next to me, to testify that I had announced my attentions immediately before the vile deed.
By being nice, I made the whole night an ordeal for everybody.
Which is what I intended.
I’m telling you, I’m a stinker.
Comment By: Bruce Diamond
October 28th, 2016 at 11:17 am
Awesome, dude!
Comment By: Michael Roberts
October 28th, 2016 at 11:18 am
This is the most beautiful story I’ve ever heard. *snif* It’s making me tear up.
Comment By: Barbara Weitbrecht
October 28th, 2016 at 12:18 pm
Evil!
Comment By: Rajnar Vajra
October 28th, 2016 at 12:18 pm
The act of a twisted mind. I can only admire.
Comment By: Susan Ray
October 28th, 2016 at 11:59 am
Bloody Brilliant!
Comment By: Charles Henderson Norman
October 28th, 2016 at 1:17 pm
Absolutely brilliant!
Comment By: Lori Koonce
October 28th, 2016 at 1:17 pm
Pure evil! And all this time I assumed you were a nice person.
Comment By: Wyman Cooke
October 28th, 2016 at 2:17 pm
Shared.
Comment By: David Loftus
October 28th, 2016 at 2:49 pm
Such imagination! Such creativity! Such a stinker!
Comment By: Jody White
October 28th, 2016 at 3:11 pm
The original “Adam Ruins Everything”…nice!
Comment By: Alison Spencer
October 28th, 2016 at 3:18 pm
Beautiful plan! I never came up with anything that good for my graduation–just a couple passive-aggressive moves involving my clothes, shoes and salutatorian speech.
Comment By: Rob Menaul
October 28th, 2016 at 7:18 pm
I never assumed you were a nice person, just an imp with a smile.
Comment By: Eric Cline
October 28th, 2016 at 11:17 pm
I haven’t read this yet. Does it involve pig’s blood and telekinesis?
Comment By: Matthew B. Tepper
October 29th, 2016 at 3:20 am
That is insidious!
Comment By: Joella Berkner
October 29th, 2016 at 4:25 am
Quite brilliant
Comment By: Berry Kercheval
August 1st, 2017 at 1:18 pm
The only way that could be improved would be if the Principal were named Mr. Shnodblatt.
Comment By: Luis M Milan Leal
August 1st, 2017 at 1:18 pm
Forget about Lawful Evil and Chaotic Evil, the best alignment you can be is Nice Evil.
Comment By: Cait Coker
August 1st, 2017 at 2:19 pm
Teenage!me is filled with admiration and horror. Adult!me can’t stop laughing.
Comment By: Linda Robinson
August 1st, 2017 at 2:19 pm
F*cking awesome! Bwahahaha!
Comment By: David R. Palmer
August 1st, 2017 at 7:18 pm
An unindicted saboteur who did his dirty work in full view of those assembled — now THAT was actually worthy of an award…
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
August 1st, 2017 at 7:18 pm
Yup, I am a little in awe of my teenage self, for how consciously I did that.
Comment By: Berry Kercheval
August 1st, 2017 at 7:18 pm
And the awesome beauty of it is that no one can point to ANYTHING and say “That was WRONG”.