You’re a decent person. You really are.
Oh, sure, you have some bad habits, some irritating beliefs, some things you do that get on the nerves on people around you. But by all the low bars, you’re a decent person. You don’t molest children. You don’t attack people with broken bottles. You don’t set bombs. You’re good to your family and polite enough to people who are polite to you. In some ways, you’re admirable. Even noble. Your worst enemy, considering the way you live your life, would acknowledge it.
But then we get to the part of you that is objectionable. You’re just a little bigoted, just a little misogynistic, just a little homophobic, just a little xenophobic – any one of those four things, to some level, in some combination.
You are not any of these things to the degree of all-out, full-bore toxicity. They are trace elements, the same things that many of us have. Maybe they are a bit stronger in you than they are in some people who we would consider more enlightened – and maybe you have many compensating virtues.
As a character flaw, this is like a managed medical condition, in that it is possible for you to live with it comfortably, and for you to control it without causing too much offense to others, possibly even without them being visible to others.
But here’s the problem. You then surround yourself with the wrong people.
You make friends among folks who will not correct you when you step over those invisible lines, but who will instead applaud you, who will react to you most positively when you slip up and allow this ugly lesion on your character to hang exposed. They laugh and clap and tell you that you’re speaking truth, when instead you’re engaging in a little bit of social Tourette’s. They call over others, even worse than themselves, and before long you find yourself playing to a crowd that is itself getting worse and worse.
Here’s the thing.
People can be trained, the same way dogs can. Even the most refined person, spending a few weeks in the company of the coarse, will find his language becoming more vulgar, his behavior more gross; if he hangs out with friends who think that it’s a great idea to yell “pussy” at women he doesn’t know, and earns their applause when he does so, his attitudes and actions will come to reflect that, just as his attitudes and actions would have come to reflect hanging out with people who would react to such behavior by telling him he’s not funny and that he should quit it.
A decent man who doesn’t consider himself a bigot can indeed be trained to behave like a bigot if he welcomes feedback exclusively from those who consider bigotry no big deal, or indeed an attribute to be admired.
The feedback loop can be toxic. You only have to look at some highly-concentrated internet communities to see human beings who might be perfectly respectable people, away from the keyboard, engaged in rhetoric of the most insane sort, because they spend time with the insane, and receive their cues from the insane. You can see writers who have attracted a fine group of sycophants around themselves, giving them thumbs up as they spew bile and venom of the worst sort. This is why it’s a good reason, on and off the internet, to cultivate the company of those who would, (forgive me from quoting Aaron Sorkin, but it’s an elegant and concise phrase) spend their lives advocating at the top of their lungs what you would spend your life opposing at the top of your lungs.
In the absence of open toxicity, the people opposed to everything you believe in are the reality check that prevent you from sinking into open toxicity yourself. Like a few of them as people and you will surprised how measured and rational it makes you. Declare them non-people and refuse their company and you will be surprised how quickly you become the mirror image of that which you find most sickening.
But above all: don’t allow the most vile elements in your character to attract a crowd that you will then feel you need to play to. Don’t flatter the gibbons. Don’t let them define you, don’t shift to please them, don’t let them move you farther into the realm of the insane, until you become their creature; until you are what they would have you be, until you are no longer aware of who you are.
There is such a thing as a shared psychosis, a view of reality so insane that it can only develop when somebody only listens to people who believe a particular stupid thing, and will not accept reality checks from outside. It doesn’t happen because of any organic reason. It happens because no context is accepted, other than that which furthers the narrative. See Randy Quaid and his wife. See the two young New Zealanders profiled in HEAVENLY CREATURES. It happens to groups of friends, to entire political parties, to nations; it can certainly happen between, for instance, an author and his supportive fans.
Limit your inputs to only those that support a certain kind of self-destructive behavior and you can be cheered with enthusiasm as you drive yourself off a cliff.
This is equally true whether you’re talking about private life, or existence as any level of public figure.
Play to the base, and I promise you, absolutely vow to you, that you will become base. I promise you, honestly. You don’t want this.
When everybody outside your crowd is telling you that your crowd is making you a terrible person, you should give it serious consideration. You really should.
Comment By: Patrick RichardsFink
May 17th, 2015 at 11:18 am
This is very broadly applicable. Thank you.
Comment By: John Ordover
May 17th, 2015 at 11:18 am
“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.” – Nietzsche
Comment By: Brenda Balin
May 17th, 2015 at 11:18 am
Because even your best friends won’t tell you …
Comment By: Steve Angel
May 17th, 2015 at 11:23 am
Excellent. This reads like a long version of:
“Behave on your own as you would in the company of an honoured guest”. Or simply resonant with that idea.
Comment By: Steven Angel
May 17th, 2015 at 12:24 pm
Excellent. This reads like a long version of:
“Behave on your own as you would in the company of an honoured guest”. Or simply resonant with that idea.
Comment By: Nick Sanders
May 17th, 2015 at 12:24 pm
Well said and (as noted above) broadly applicable.
Comment By: Rajnar Vajra
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
I will share a rather sad secret. Sometimes the misguided of adult age are in fact very immature people who mistake their condition for maturity, and thus present themselves as adults. It seems wise to me for an actual adult to recognize a child or adolescent in an adult body, and not try to relate on a fully adult level.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
I hope I never fully let go of childhood, myself…and think that adults who completely have are rather sad people…but yeah.
Comment By: Rajnar Vajra
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
Letting go of the joy, creativity, and exuberance of childhood, A-T, isn’t true adulthood in my view. I regard grown ups who do so as stunted, not so much adult as withered. The truly spiritually gifted people I’ve known in my life have all exhibited the most positive childlike characteristics combined with a peaceful simplicity and flexibility that radiates a special kind of contentment that influences everyone around them.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
I think the phenomenon I discuss in the essay is going on RIGHT NOW, not to put too fine a point on it.
Comment By: John Ordover
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
I’m not sure what being “adult” means in this or any other context. Certainly adults are if anything more irrational than children, and less flexible.
Comment By: Andrea Albert
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
There is a Spanish saying: “Dime con quien andas y te diré quien eres.” It means “Tell me who you go around (or hang out) with, and I will tell you who you are”. This article is absolutely perfect and true.
Comment By: David Vineyard
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
My parents were products of the era they grew up in, but managed to teach me to respect everyone and think for myself. You can’t indoctrinate your child to be a minature you and hope to produce a happy sane individual. You have to teach him and hope he will be better than you in all sorts of ways.
Comment By: Rajnar Vajra
May 17th, 2015 at 11:17 pm
Easy enough to clarify, John. You’ve already delineated two characteristics of the kind of adult I’m referring to: far more rational than children, and at least as flexible. Other characteristics include a large degree of compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, balance, emotional resources for hard times, and those qualities from childhood that lead to increased joy rather than bitterness and misery. That’s what I mean by an actual adult. I don’t demand sainthood or perfection in any of this to satisfy my basic definition, but the difference between an adult of this sort and the kind of “adult” Adam-Troy is referring to is so dramatic that it’s unmistakable, but only if you happen to be an adult.
Comment By: Dale Andersen
May 17th, 2015 at 11:07 pm
So will the “people outside my crowd” have my back when the chips are down, Adam? I don’t think so.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
May 18th, 2015 at 9:19 am
You’d be surprised.
Who’s paying the medical bills of that NC man who’s going blind after buying the case against Obamacare? Among others, lots and lots of liberals.
Who paid for the surgery of the son of a friend of a mine, an avowed liberal? An avowed conservative, with whom he had fought mercilessly, as an enemy.
“Peeps” aren’t necessarily those who flatter your beliefs and egg you on; they can be those who respect our common humanity, regardless of differences.
And really, reality checks are *such* a valuable thing, to prevent *any* of us from going off the rails, that they should not be discounted.
Comment By: Elena Gaillard
May 18th, 2015 at 12:18 pm
One of my favorite examples of this was the old guy who lived near Mt St Helens, and absolutely positively refused to leave his property despite numerous government warnings (and several violent pre-eruption tremors). It made him famous–songs and poems by schoolkids, marriage proposals, all the usual idiocy, up until eruption day. I always wondered if the public reinforcement of his denialism ended up killing him, or whether he was just the kind of stubborn old coot who would’ve stayed put no matter what.
Comment By: Stevie Gamble
May 18th, 2015 at 1:31 pm
Adam
Thank you for this; it has prompted me to step back and look at my own behaviour, and recognise that it is surprisingly easy over a relatively short period of time to end up doing the things which one criticises in others.
I really don’t want to be that person, so I’m grateful for the reality check…
Comment By: Petra
May 18th, 2015 at 1:32 pm
The silver lining of this whole sad mess are the interesting and thought provoking posts such as yours. Thank you.
Comment By: Lauretta Nagel
May 18th, 2015 at 3:17 pm
The problem I have with this blog post is that it’s sometimes hard for people to recognize the behaviour is toxic and self-destructive to *begin with.* How do you make someone aware that they are on a one way trip off a cliff??
Comment By: Stevie Gamble
May 18th, 2015 at 6:36 pm
Lauretta
I certainly didn’t realise that my behaviour was toxic and self-destructive in the first place; after all, I was opposing the Rabid Puppies and all that they stand for.
Adam’s post was the thing which caused me to, in the immortal words of Roger Zelazney, pull a surprise inspection in the emotional barracks.
I didn’t like what I found there, which, in turn, led me to look back at what I had written; I had transferred some of that disdain for the Rabid Puppies to others outside that group who most certainly did not deserve it. I don’t want to be someone who does that…
Comment By: Elizabeth
May 19th, 2015 at 12:19 pm
Those of us with medically diagnosed mental health issues would really appreciate it if you would NOT use the word “insane” when you mean hateful, bigoted, etc.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
May 22nd, 2015 at 9:56 am
“Delusion” is also a medical word, but sane people have them.
I understand how you feel, but I live with the imprecise language I was born to, in which “insane” has been applied to, among other things, the Marx Brothers. “Insane” happens to be a word with multiple uses, only some of which are medical — and this is rendered a bigger source of confusion by the fact that, I think, some of the behavior I am referencing in this very post applies to that which is obsessed, self-deluded, irrational, wrapped up in nested circles of conspiracy theory, and so on. Sometimes, when I say “insane,” I mean “insane,” in that context.
Comment By: Brenda Balin
May 17th, 2016 at 10:18 am
An interesting take on people who have a particular brand of flaw. I tend to get impatient with some of the kinds of people described above–but seeing them as people with a chronic medical problem, like diabetes, or a congenital brain injury, should, in theory, make me more tolerant.
Not sure if I can do that, though. I’ve lost friends over their expressions of bigotry. I’m passionately intolerant of intolerance, and sometimes shocked at who some of my friends have as friends.
Could you please post the referenced link? It might be enlightening.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
May 17th, 2016 at 10:18 am
Ummm, there it is, big as fuck. Click it and you should get the rest of the essay.
Comment By: Brenda Balin
May 17th, 2016 at 10:18 am
OK, got it, now–and read it.
And it;’s spot on. The thing is, I’ve tried to be that other voice in the ear of such people–and been attacked by their minions of stupidity and unreasoned rage. They prefer having their fear and anger validated by such people–and after a few attempts, I give up and disappear them from my own feed, to spare myself the hypertension they provoke.
Comment By: Adam-Troy Castro
May 17th, 2016 at 10:18 am
For some reason the thumbnail is giving you a generic shot of my webpage, but I have tested it and the click gives you the essay.
Comment By: Brenda Balin
May 17th, 2016 at 10:18 am
Sorry. Obviously, I need more coffee.
Comment By: David Vineyard
May 17th, 2016 at 11:23 pm
The banality of evil. It takes so little.
Comment By: Paul Crawford
May 17th, 2017 at 10:18 am
When I wuit writing, I was honestly hurt at the number of friends whom cut off all contact. Some, many, I suspect were just as miserable as I was buylt had invested too much into genre writing to give up, and they were afraid that whatever possessed me was communicable. Others, though, rebuffed all attempts at subsequent contact. In their case, I realize now that they were only hanging around “to see what Riddell says NOW,” and they looked at a post-writing me the way a five-year-old looks at a broken toy.
Comment By: Ann Totusek
August 16th, 2017 at 11:18 am
And if I recall the identity of this person correctly, over the past few days he slipped over the line from a little bit problematic to full-out toxicity.
Comment By: Eric Cline
August 16th, 2017 at 10:17 pm
I have my own idea, and will certainly respect your “don’t name who you think it is” rule. But may I ask ….. is this someone who used to publish a lot, and ain’t publishing quite so much anymore?